Emotional Addiction Or How I Learned Not to Stall in Relationships and Got My Life Back

Emotional addiction is one of those traps that is easy to fall into, especially when you're head over heels in love. I know, because I was once in that trap myself. Ah, if I had known earlier how easy it is to confuse emotions with real intimacy, how you can become as dependent on a person as a sip of coffee in the morning! But let's get to the point.

What is emotional dependency?

Let's start with what emotional dependency is. Imagine that your every thought and action depends on one person. You start thinking, “How will he react? What will he say? How can I please him?” At some point, you notice that you don't do anything for yourself anymore. All you care about is his moods, his desires, his attitude towards you. And yes, there's always tons of drama in these relationships because the constant need for other people's attention and approval is a surefire way to emotional burnout.

I remember realizing at one point that I stopped going to the gym because my boyfriend didn't like it when I left him alone in the evening. I loved the fitness club, I loved the workouts - but him? He'd say he missed me, and here I was, no longer at the gym, but sitting at home watching his favorite show (which, by the way, I had no interest in). You think it's a small thing? Well, it's not. It's the beginning of the end - the end of my freedom, of my identity. After all, emotional dependence always starts with small concessions that eventually add up to one huge mountain of loss.

How do you recognize emotional dependency?

How do you realize that you are emotionally dependent on your partner? Well, for starters, let's play a little game. Imagine that your partner is out of town for a week. What are your emotions? If you imagine a seven-day paradisiacal vacation from his demands, insults and manipulations, then you're in luck. But if you begin to shake, tormented by a sense of fear, loneliness and an irresistible desire to write him every hour - this is an alarm bell.

Personally, I had so many alarm bells that I could have assembled a whole orchestra. For example, one day I realized that my self-esteem was completely dependent on his praise. If he told me I looked beautiful, I lit up like a Christmas tree. But if he stopped talking, if he didn't compliment me, I would have a real panic attack. “Doesn't he love me anymore?” - I thought. And that question played over and over in my head like a broken record.

Here's another sign of emotional dependency that I noticed in myself: fear of being alone. I was willing to endure humiliation, neglect, and even some toxic antics just so I wouldn't be alone. That seemed like the worst of it. Being without him? No, better that than nothing at all.

Why is this happening?

Why do we get ourselves into this situation in the first place? Why do we allow someone else to take control of our emotional state? The answer lies in childhood (ah yes, as always). Many of us were raised in an environment where love and approval were rewards for good behavior. We were taught that in order to be loved, we had to meet expectations, be comfortable, be good. As adults, we continue to seek this approval - first from our parents, then from our partner. Only now the game becomes dangerous, because at stake is not just candy for good grades, but your self-esteem, your identity.

But you know what else is interesting? Research shows that some people are biologically predisposed to emotional dependence. The production of dopamine, a hormone associated with pleasure, is particularly intense in such people when they interact with a loved one. So, in essence, addiction to a partner can be akin to addiction to drugs. Every time you receive attention and care, your brain literally rewards you.

How do you deal with emotional dependency?

Now let's get to the most important part: how do you fight it? To be honest, the path to freedom from emotional dependency is a revolution of sorts. It's when you realize, “Hey, I'm important! My interests, my desires, my freedom are not just empty words.”

1. Discover yourself

I started by pausing and asking myself: “Who am I really?” It wasn't a rhetorical question. I really didn't know the answer. I had been living someone else's life for years, conforming to another person's expectations. But here's the bottom line: to break addiction, you have to rediscover your individuality. I remembered that I had always enjoyed painting. When was the last time I held a paintbrush? Oh yes, a long time ago, before I met him.

I started with small steps. I signed up for an art class. It was my personal space that was nobody's business but mine. And you know what? It helped me reclaim a part of my life that was lost in the relationship.

2. Develop independence

Learn to be alone. This is probably the hardest step, especially if the fear of loneliness is your eternal companion. I set myself a goal: to spend a few hours alone every weekend. I went to cafes, movies, even traveled alone. It was weird at first - and then there was freedom in it. No one forced me to adjust my plans, and I could enjoy every minute of my time.

3. Learn to say no

Boundaries is a magic word. Once upon a time, I didn't even know I had a right to them. I thought that if I loved someone, I had to give myself completely. But one day I realized that being able to say no is a manifestation of self-love. It doesn't mean you become selfish or cruel. It means you start to respect your wants and needs.

One day, when my boyfriend asked me to cancel my girlfriends for him, I said no for the first time. I was scared. I thought he would be angry. But surprisingly, he not only understood, but supported my decision. At that moment, I felt strong.

4. Therapy is not something to be ashamed of

I resisted the idea of going to therapy for a long time. I mean, what's it like to see a psychologist? I'm a grown woman, I should be able to do this on my own! But you know what? Sometimes you need help. When I finally decided to go to therapy, I began to realize how deep the roots of my addiction were. It wasn't a quick “pill,” but it gave me the tools to work on myself. I learned to analyze my emotions and not be afraid of being alone.

5. Find balance in the relationship

Love is not a total absorption of the other person. In a healthy relationship, there is always a balance between “I” and “we”. Respect your personal space and your partner's personal boundaries. If someone is constantly demanding your attention and sacrifices, it is no longer love, but emotional vampirism.

One of the most important things I've learned is that in a relationship, two people should be happy, not just one. If you have to make sacrifices all the time, ask yourself the question, “Why?” And remember: a real relationship is when you are loved for who you are, not for who they want you to be.

Some interesting facts

1. Physical pain and emotional pain activate the same areas of the brain. This explains why it hurts so much when we are ignored or rejected.
2. Emotional dependency reduces cognitive ability. When your brain is constantly focused on another person, it interferes with your ability to solve problems and think creatively.
3. Studies have shown that people with strong emotional dependency are more likely to suffer from anxiety disorders and depression. This is due to a constant feeling of threat when they don't get enough attention from their partner.
4. Couples therapy is a great way to restore balance in a relationship and learn to be more independent while maintaining intimacy.

FOXXY: Emotional addiction is an insidious trap that any of us can fall into. But the most important thing is not to stay in it forever. Learn to love yourself, respect your desires and don't be afraid to be alone. After all, the most important love in your life is love for yourself. And after that - for everyone else.

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